Parenting (out) of the Essay; be the admiring neighbor, not the general contractor

Empathy for seniors in high school. What does this look like? Without it, you might navigate the college essay writing process as if your life depended on it and sabotage your child's reflective opportunity. 

Go back to the time you were a senior. Visualize how you felt and what you were thinking about; revisit your college application process. Were there stressors of the unknown, pressure from every direction about your next step in life? Did Grandma have a negative Nancy opinion? Did you want what was best for you, different from what your sister or brother wanted? 

Great, I am glad you could reflect on that time momentarily. What if your parent decided to write your essay despite honoring the time it took you to get to a topic you wanted to write about? How would you feel? What values or trust did your parent(s) break? What did you learn from your acceptance to college if you got in with that essay? 

Being the author of this essay is highly unethical according to any admissions policy. Not only that, but a situation like this can be a breeding ground for mistrust, resentment, apathy, lack of self-confidence when getting to college, and many other consequences that could have been avoided if you can trust the process and let your child grow and be successful in their own right. They will be much happier, self-confident, and willing to take risks, accept the outcomes, and enhance their capacity to know who they are and what they want. Isn't this the reason we raised our child(ren)? Why rob them of this experience as they transition into adulthood? 

Remember the popular reality show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? I loved watching homes go from dilapidation through renovation to the ultimate reveal of the final vision the designers and contractors created for a family's (new) home. Although a home (essay) may need an overhaul if not properly constructed to meet the plans of the blueprint, it is not up to you to do that! As a parent, your role is to be the cheerleader in the event and to encourage your child to seek confidence and affirmation that they can write a story about their life through their lens, not the lens through which you see it. Perhaps your child had a strong foundation for their home (essay), and you decided to go in and remove some walls, place them elsewhere, and give it a glow-up only to reveal a story that does not feel like the integrity of the plan your child set out to share. 

The essay is not a time to over-parent (overhaul) their essay. It is incredibly tempting; I have been there. It was a blessing that my son chose not to share his essay with me until late in the process of submitting applications. I learned that I would be better off surrendering to small prompts of encouragement to improve a couple of areas, but there was no time for me to get lost in the renovation stage and begin shaping it to be something different (or what I would consider to be better - through my eyes)! 

Please do not be the parent who stays up all night editing your child's essay to show them all the work you have put into making it the best in the morning. Only to have them be wholly devastated that the story is not theirs. 

Fear and doubt often take over the parenting brain when our children are firstborn and about to fly the coup in their late teenage years. Understandably, we want to pull on the reigns, take control, and do anything in our power to engineer the situation to hopefully make the outcome favorable for all. However, life's most valuable lessons are not always determined by the (W)in and the prevention of mistakes; it is the authenticity, risk-taking, and trust you place in the process of it all that matters most. So-called "(L)osing" is typically when you pivot and life will guide you in the direction you are meant to go in the next stage. 

So, how can you still be a helpful and constructive part of your child's college process? 

• Get a head start. The essay tends to be the most cumbersome part of the application process, even if your child is a strong writer. The personal statement essay and any supplemental essays are unlike any writing a teenager has done up to this point. The essay writing part should not come before extensive brainstorming, self-reflection, and inquiry into one's beliefs, values, passions, or gifts. This method can take quite a bit of time and iterations of consultation. Many teens are challenged in this stage of the process, yet with the right help and guidance; this can be a powerful tool to enlighten your child toward a meaningful essay and excitement toward the next chapter of their life.

• Hire an independent educational consultant to coach your child through the essay development and writing process. Allow their expertise to guide the essay with an eye toward what college admissions officers want.

• Be realistic. The essay must exude every aspect of a high school student and not have any inclination of that of an adult's written prose. College admissions officers read hundreds and thousands of applications and know the difference. You will not fool them. 

• Read, but don't criticize. Before opening the essay document or picking up the printed copy your child has sent to the home printer, please pause and take a few deep breaths. You are still determining what you will read or how you will respond. I know you think you will have the best ideas for rewriting or fixing the essay. Learning all these things, please read the essay and absorb your child's story. Consider all of the aha moments or the words that jump off the paper that make your heart flutter. Be proud. You may ask clarifying questions and engage in conversation to get your child to consider improving their writing or give better examples of what they mean, but stay within the bounds. 

• Knowing your child and offering encouragement. You know your child best, and it would be wise to approach this essay reading based on what you know will be productive and helpful, not counterproductive and harmful. Encourage them to speak from their heart and to share their story that is most insightful to them. They live it and can be the narrator of their own life. Be proud of them, no matter what, and be delighted by the story they want to share. 

• In the end, you will be glad you were the admiring neighbor, not the project's contractor!

The Power of Pause in Parenting

It seems ever so familiar that the topic of society and where we are, who we are, and who we should be arises in conversation. What is right? What is wrong? Who really knows? 

It is more important to focus on our daily choices and actions rather than what influencers and society think of us. It is out of the realm of possibility that influencers can even see us determine if we have worn the right thing, or bought the best item to make us a better person. Let alone see us transform in the most meaningful ways through our lives, especially during our teenage years. 

Teens today deal with an enormous amount of pressure far beyond the teens of the 90s. I have so much empathy for the experiences they face each day. 

I hope that today's parents foster the opportunity to hit the pause button whenever they can. Not to be used to stifle children and what they can or cannot do, but rather as a moment to ask why. I remember my son telling me he would like to purchase a necklace on Amazon for a girl in his class. It would be a gold necklace with her initials; he would give it to her before the semester was out for Christmas break. He was so confident and excited about it. Still, he needed access to an Amazon account to make this transaction happen. I appreciated his asking and warm-hearted thoughtfulness because that is just who he is. 

I asked him why he was buying her a necklace. To my knowledge, he had not been dating anyone in middle school yet. He said because he wanted to ask her out. I asked him about her a little bit more, and we spent some time just chatting about what dating is at his age and what he was hoping for. 

I knew many of his friends had tried their hand at dating for some time, and many of his peers he had known since Kindergarten had many different people they "dated," if that is what you can even call it in elementary and middle school. He reflected on how long each of his friends' dating relationships had lasted. Often lasting only a week to a month. I asked him what he thought would happen with the girl he wanted to buy the necklace for. He said, "We would probably break up after a little while and not talk again because it would be awkward." 

It became more clear to him at that point that he knew what decision he would make (by him). 

Giving my son the space and prompting him to think deeper about why he wanted to pursue this endeavor allowed him to re-evaluate his decision and contemplate an alternative plan. A plan that made more sense to him. A his age this made him feel proud because he understood his why.

Over the years, I wondered if I had stunted my son from having relationships since that moment in middle school. Yet, I am often reminded that I see him making decisions that focus a few steps ahead before making them. It was worth it to me as a mom to have a complex discussion with my son. Although that little girl did not get the gold necklace with her initials on it (she never knew that was his plan anyway), he didn't get heartbroken over a decision he felt he needed to make because everyone else was doing it. 

We must offer this experience for our children before we let society, peer pressure, and impulsive decision-making take hold of our children and perhaps miss out on the opportunity to be reflective and confident in our choices. Not impulsive and regretful. It may seem simple and not that big of a deal, but it is. Our world is fast-paced, and like looking straight into the sun, it only takes a split second to blind us before we realize we don't know what just happened and how we got here. 

Take the time to help your children ask why. As parents, it is vital to our growth and our children, so now is the time for you to do the same. Model for them how you do it. Ask why? Then, keep asking why to dig deeper and see what answer you are led to and how that differs from how you would've moved forward, decided, or acted before asking those more profound questions. 

The little whys will help your children make the bigger whys easier to contemplate and process as they age. It is never too early to start hitting that parenting pause button and asking why. (Why am I signing my child up for that competitive soccer team at 5 years old? Why does my 8-year-old need a smartphone? Why does their smartphone need to cost $1000 and be a better version than mine? Why drive the fancy car that you can pick up the kids at school in? Why purchase a pair of $100 yoga pants for your teen with a symbol that helps them fit in? Why does my 3-year-old need a tablet in their hand?) 

It may seem harsh, but you are responsible for guiding your children to hold their values higher than the world around them. This builds their confidence and empowers them to make decisions best for them, not best for what others think for 5 seconds and forget about. It is up to you to pause and be a parent, not a friend, and I know you have it within you!

I look forward to providing more parent insights that I have learned along the way, personally and professionally, as a school counselor for the last 15 years. Keep checking back for more...

A Guide to Choosing a College Major

Choosing a college major is not just a box to check on your college application; it's a strategic move that can significantly impact your admissions journey. In this guide, we'll explore the importance of selecting the right major, the flexibility within this decision, and valuable tips for students and parents.

Section 1: Importance of Choosing a Major:

When it comes to college admissions, your chosen major speaks volumes. Selective colleges often admit students based on their declared major, viewing it as a signal of your academic direction and commitment. Sometimes, your second choice of major may come into play if your first choice fails to secure direct admission. For example, the admissions director indicated that they do this at Carnegie Mellon University. 

Section 2: Flexibility and Research:

The good news is that your initial major choice is flexible. Colleges understand that interests evolve, and you can change your major later. However, this decision shouldn't be taken lightly. Thorough research into specific college admissions processes and changing major criteria is vital. Make the most of college tours, contact admissions counselors, and attend information sessions to gather as much information as possible.

Here are three questions students should ask themselves that can help them predict their major:

1. Which subjects do I take at a more advanced level/highest level offered at my high school (such as an honors or AP class)?

2. What classes are my highest grades in?

3. What classes do I like the most, year after year?

Remember to review the admissions requirements and policies of each college you're considering, and feel free to contact their admissions counselors for personalized guidance. They can provide insights into the importance of major choice in their specific admissions process and any flexibility or considerations they may offer.

Additionally, attending college information sessions, open houses, or virtual events hosted by colleges can be valuable opportunities to learn more about their expectations and preferences regarding the choice of major.

Section 3: Undecided Students:

Feeling the pressure to choose a major in high school is normal, but it's crucial not to rush this decision. Instead, attend career fairs, conduct informational interviews, and build your network. Networking is a valuable skill that often proves essential in the job search process. The earlier you start, the more robust your network will be when you need it.

Typically, college admissions offices value a sense of purpose and commitment to academic and career goals. Demonstrating a genuine interest in a particular field through your choice of major can positively impact your application. However, it's also generally understood that students may explore and change their majors as they progress through college.

Section 4: Exploring Interests in High School:

High school is the perfect time to explore your interests. Take a variety of classes to discover what you like and what you don't. Balancing a challenging course load with extracurricular activities is essential. Remember, you don't need to excel in every subject; finding a balance is key to a well-rounded academic experience.

Section 5: Assessments and Self-Reflection:

Consider taking learning style inventories, aptitude assessments, and career interest surveys to make informed decisions. These assessments can provide valuable insights into how your interests align with potential careers. Understanding yourself early in the process is vital to avoid costly changes later on by switching your major. You don’t have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life, you just need to keep learning about yourself every day!

What is your Sparketype - ask Stefanie to discuss this with you! (Stefanie’s is the Advisor and the Essentialist).

Conclusion:

In summary, choosing a college major is a significant decision but should not cause undue stress. Approach the process with an open mind, be proactive in your research, and use the resources available to you. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, and remember that it's okay to adapt your plan based on your evolving understanding of yourself. By taking these steps, you'll strengthen your college application and set yourself on a path toward a fulfilling and successful academic and professional future.

My Daughter’s College Major Journey:

My daughter who is now a college sophomore didn’t have a clear direction on what major she wanted to consider when she was in high school. She always loved art and it was more of a hobby than a path to a career. I encouraged her to take some college-level courses her senior year since she had space in her schedule to go beyond the high school curriculum offered. The medium of art she was used to creating was drawing and painting and a bit of fun digital work on her phone by designing art using pictures. Teaching herself how to use a camera also became an interest of hers. However, the narrative of society would be that she would be a struggling artist doing everything she could to make money after college to get by since it would not be a lucrative career.

With some career exploration surveys and input from her mom graphic design came to mind— I encouraged her to enroll in an introductory graphic design class - Adobe Illustrator at a local college. My thought with this approach would do one of two things. It would reveal if she liked digital design or not. It’s that simple. Upon completion of the semester, she was glad to report that she learned a lot and she wanted to take more classes like this even though it was very challenging.

Another recommendation I had for her was to speak to a graphic designer that I knew to get insights from the graphic design industry and the path she took in college. My daughter prepared several questions ahead of time to be able to ask Jordan, the graphic designer, and engage in a two-way conversation. Her questions included: why she chose the college she did, how she knew she wanted to pursue that major, job outlook, internship opportunities, and much more. This solidified my daughter’s focus on graphic design as a major she wanted to pursue in college. Hence, we began looking for colleges that had graphic design studies. She was glad to be able to pursue art, in a non-traditional sense, and felt like she would be employable upon graduating college with this degree.

The reason for sharing this story is that there is hope in encouraging undecided teenagers to explore opportunities they may not know exist in order to help them understand themselves more.

Managing Expectations in College Admissions

As students eagerly await responses from colleges they’ve applied to, emotions will inevitably run high and students may feel erratic. Some will receive joyful news, while others will face disappointment that feels crushing. It’s a time of great anticipation, often accompanied by questions about what could have been done differently to influence the admissions office outcomes. The answer, though, is typically “nothing”. However, before the college admissions process even begins, there’s one crucial that both students and parents need to consider: setting and managing realistic expectations. We will explore the art of managing expectations in the context of college admissions, with a particular focus on high-achieving and gifted students who may find themselves facing similar challenges.

It is fair to admit that managing expectations can be a daunting task, especially in families where various factors come into play. In my experience in supporting students and families in the college process, there is no doubt that the cloud of parent pressure and image comes into play more than anything else. Pride, consider if this is at play. Ask yourself honestly why certain factors are important to you and your family when choosing a college. Ensure that it is for the right reason despite how hard it may be to admit. The impending parental pressure, external peer pressure extolling a student’s brilliance or accomplishments, internal expectations, and pressure from those whom the student knows well can contribute to intense levels of anxiety surrounding college admissions. The problem is further exacerbated when students repeatedly hear about how exceptional they are and how they’re destined to secure spots in the nation’s top-tier schools. Caution listening to advice that may be a year or more old as the college admissions landscape is ever-changing and just because someone you know got into Harvard back in the day does not mean your student will get in. Times change, let’s be honest.

To guard against unrealistic expectations, it’s essential to be well-informed about the competitiveness of college admissions, especially at the highly-ranked institutions listed in ranking publications like the US News & World Report. To start, gathering recent admissions data respective to colleges is a valuable exercise. However, relying solely on admissions rates may not provide a complete picture.

Let’s keep digging further…Many colleges admit students directly into certain majors or take into account an intended major. This means that the selectivity of specific majors can significantly impact the overall admissions rate. For instance, consider UCLA, which had an admissions rate of 18% in 2016, however, the admissions rate just released for fall 2023 was 9% overall. Specifically, the admit rate was 1% for nursing, 5% for Engineering, and 3% for Theatre, Film & TV. This holds true across institutions nationwide in fields like engineering, bioengineering, computer science, and even specialized conservatory and arts programs at some institutions. Therefore, selecting a potential major that aligns with your strengths and interests is a prudent strategy.

Beyond admissions rates, it’s vital to comprehend that top American colleges employ a holistic admissions process. This approach considers an array of factors that vary from college to college based on what the institution bases its selection of admission. For example, the rigor of the secondary school record, application essay, GPA, test scores, awards, other test scores, demographics, volunteer/work, level of applicant’s demonstrated interest, personal hardships, recommendation letters, legacy status, talents and ability, and character or personality qualities. Colleges determine which factors they consider: very important, important, considered, and not considered as a part of the admissions criterion to build a well-rounded student body to meet their institutional priorities. The complexity of this process underscores the challenge of securing a spot in colleges that admit only a small percentage of applicants.

While some students with strong “hooks,” such as celebrity connections, exceptional talents, or recruited athletes, may have a higher likelihood of admission to highly selective schools, the majority of applicants must rely on a combination of achievements and factors mentioned earlier. Nevertheless, it is paramount to include “high acceptance rate” schools on the college list. No matter the schools that end up on the list the student must have a desire to attend and be happy attending.

The message to students is clear: it’s acceptable to aim high, but going into the application season with realistic expectations about the competitive nature of college admissions can be immensely helpful. Such an approach will guide students in crafting a well-balanced college list. Ultimately, remember that your value is intrinsic, not dependent on your accomplishments or your college destination. College is what you make of it ~ and that can happen with an open mind to the colleges you are researching. No matter the outcome you are inherently valuable and you have a purpose for this world given your unique talents and gifts, and no college acceptance can alter that fundamental truth. There is more to your story…