Parenting (out) of the Essay; be the admiring neighbor, not the general contractor
Empathy for seniors in high school. What does this look like? Without it, you might navigate the college essay writing process as if your life depended on it and sabotage your child's reflective opportunity.
Go back to the time you were a senior. Visualize how you felt and what you were thinking about; revisit your college application process. Were there stressors of the unknown, pressure from every direction about your next step in life? Did Grandma have a negative Nancy opinion? Did you want what was best for you, different from what your sister or brother wanted?
Great, I am glad you could reflect on that time momentarily. What if your parent decided to write your essay despite honoring the time it took you to get to a topic you wanted to write about? How would you feel? What values or trust did your parent(s) break? What did you learn from your acceptance to college if you got in with that essay?
Being the author of this essay is highly unethical according to any admissions policy. Not only that, but a situation like this can be a breeding ground for mistrust, resentment, apathy, lack of self-confidence when getting to college, and many other consequences that could have been avoided if you can trust the process and let your child grow and be successful in their own right. They will be much happier, self-confident, and willing to take risks, accept the outcomes, and enhance their capacity to know who they are and what they want. Isn't this the reason we raised our child(ren)? Why rob them of this experience as they transition into adulthood?
Remember the popular reality show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? I loved watching homes go from dilapidation through renovation to the ultimate reveal of the final vision the designers and contractors created for a family's (new) home. Although a home (essay) may need an overhaul if not properly constructed to meet the plans of the blueprint, it is not up to you to do that! As a parent, your role is to be the cheerleader in the event and to encourage your child to seek confidence and affirmation that they can write a story about their life through their lens, not the lens through which you see it. Perhaps your child had a strong foundation for their home (essay), and you decided to go in and remove some walls, place them elsewhere, and give it a glow-up only to reveal a story that does not feel like the integrity of the plan your child set out to share.
The essay is not a time to over-parent (overhaul) their essay. It is incredibly tempting; I have been there. It was a blessing that my son chose not to share his essay with me until late in the process of submitting applications. I learned that I would be better off surrendering to small prompts of encouragement to improve a couple of areas, but there was no time for me to get lost in the renovation stage and begin shaping it to be something different (or what I would consider to be better - through my eyes)!
Please do not be the parent who stays up all night editing your child's essay to show them all the work you have put into making it the best in the morning. Only to have them be wholly devastated that the story is not theirs.
Fear and doubt often take over the parenting brain when our children are firstborn and about to fly the coup in their late teenage years. Understandably, we want to pull on the reigns, take control, and do anything in our power to engineer the situation to hopefully make the outcome favorable for all. However, life's most valuable lessons are not always determined by the (W)in and the prevention of mistakes; it is the authenticity, risk-taking, and trust you place in the process of it all that matters most. So-called "(L)osing" is typically when you pivot and life will guide you in the direction you are meant to go in the next stage.
So, how can you still be a helpful and constructive part of your child's college process?
Get a head start. The essay tends to be the most cumbersome part of the application process, even if your child is a strong writer. The personal statement essay and any supplemental essays are unlike any writing a teenager has done up to this point. The essay writing part should not come before extensive brainstorming, self-reflection, and inquiry into one's beliefs, values, passions, or gifts. This method can take quite a bit of time and iterations of consultation. Many teens are challenged in this stage of the process, yet with the right help and guidance; this can be a powerful tool to enlighten your child toward a meaningful essay and excitement toward the next chapter of their life.
Hire an independent educational consultant to coach your child through the essay development and writing process. Allow their expertise to guide the essay with an eye toward what college admissions officers want.
Be realistic. The essay must exude every aspect of a high school student and not have any inclination of that of an adult's written prose. College admissions officers read hundreds and thousands of applications and know the difference. You will not fool them.
Read, but don't criticize. Before opening the essay document or picking up the printed copy your child has sent to the home printer, please pause and take a few deep breaths. You are still determining what you will read or how you will respond. I know you think you will have the best ideas for rewriting or fixing the essay. Learning all these things, please read the essay and absorb your child's story. Consider all of the aha moments or the words that jump off the paper that make your heart flutter. Be proud. You may ask clarifying questions and engage in conversation to get your child to consider improving their writing or give better examples of what they mean, but stay within the bounds.
Knowing your child and offering encouragement. You know your child best, and it would be wise to approach this essay reading based on what you know will be productive and helpful, not counterproductive and harmful. Encourage them to speak from their heart and to share their story that is most insightful to them. They live it and can be the narrator of their own life. Be proud of them, no matter what, and be delighted by the story they want to share.
In the end, you will be glad you were the admiring neighbor, not the project's contractor!
