The Power of Pause in Parenting

It seems ever so familiar that the topic of society and where we are, who we are, and who we should be arises in conversation. What is right? What is wrong? Who really knows? 

It is more important to focus on our daily choices and actions rather than what influencers and society think of us. It is out of the realm of possibility that influencers can even see us determine if we have worn the right thing, or bought the best item to make us a better person. Let alone see us transform in the most meaningful ways through our lives, especially during our teenage years. 

Teens today deal with an enormous amount of pressure far beyond the teens of the 90s. I have so much empathy for the experiences they face each day. 

I hope that today's parents foster the opportunity to hit the pause button whenever they can. Not to be used to stifle children and what they can or cannot do, but rather as a moment to ask why. I remember my son telling me he would like to purchase a necklace on Amazon for a girl in his class. It would be a gold necklace with her initials; he would give it to her before the semester was out for Christmas break. He was so confident and excited about it. Still, he needed access to an Amazon account to make this transaction happen. I appreciated his asking and warm-hearted thoughtfulness because that is just who he is. 

I asked him why he was buying her a necklace. To my knowledge, he had not been dating anyone in middle school yet. He said because he wanted to ask her out. I asked him about her a little bit more, and we spent some time just chatting about what dating is at his age and what he was hoping for. 

I knew many of his friends had tried their hand at dating for some time, and many of his peers he had known since Kindergarten had many different people they "dated," if that is what you can even call it in elementary and middle school. He reflected on how long each of his friends' dating relationships had lasted. Often lasting only a week to a month. I asked him what he thought would happen with the girl he wanted to buy the necklace for. He said, "We would probably break up after a little while and not talk again because it would be awkward." 

It became more clear to him at that point that he knew what decision he would make (by him). 

Giving my son the space and prompting him to think deeper about why he wanted to pursue this endeavor allowed him to re-evaluate his decision and contemplate an alternative plan. A plan that made more sense to him. A his age this made him feel proud because he understood his why.

Over the years, I wondered if I had stunted my son from having relationships since that moment in middle school. Yet, I am often reminded that I see him making decisions that focus a few steps ahead before making them. It was worth it to me as a mom to have a complex discussion with my son. Although that little girl did not get the gold necklace with her initials on it (she never knew that was his plan anyway), he didn't get heartbroken over a decision he felt he needed to make because everyone else was doing it. 

We must offer this experience for our children before we let society, peer pressure, and impulsive decision-making take hold of our children and perhaps miss out on the opportunity to be reflective and confident in our choices. Not impulsive and regretful. It may seem simple and not that big of a deal, but it is. Our world is fast-paced, and like looking straight into the sun, it only takes a split second to blind us before we realize we don't know what just happened and how we got here. 

Take the time to help your children ask why. As parents, it is vital to our growth and our children, so now is the time for you to do the same. Model for them how you do it. Ask why? Then, keep asking why to dig deeper and see what answer you are led to and how that differs from how you would've moved forward, decided, or acted before asking those more profound questions. 

The little whys will help your children make the bigger whys easier to contemplate and process as they age. It is never too early to start hitting that parenting pause button and asking why. (Why am I signing my child up for that competitive soccer team at 5 years old? Why does my 8-year-old need a smartphone? Why does their smartphone need to cost $1000 and be a better version than mine? Why drive the fancy car that you can pick up the kids at school in? Why purchase a pair of $100 yoga pants for your teen with a symbol that helps them fit in? Why does my 3-year-old need a tablet in their hand?) 

It may seem harsh, but you are responsible for guiding your children to hold their values higher than the world around them. This builds their confidence and empowers them to make decisions best for them, not best for what others think for 5 seconds and forget about. It is up to you to pause and be a parent, not a friend, and I know you have it within you!

I look forward to providing more parent insights that I have learned along the way, personally and professionally, as a school counselor for the last 15 years. Keep checking back for more...